The Choice

Anjali felt as though she was walking on air. It was such a heady feeling, this realization of being in love and of knowing that the other person loved you too (at least she was pretty sure he did). And today would be the day she would finally tell him.

She rushed through her gym class and took a quick look in the mirror to ensure she wasn't looking hot and sweaty. After all, it wasn't every day that she told someone she loved them!

"Ajay!" She called out as she walked briskly to the parking lot.

"Hi Anjali, how was gym today?" Ajay smiled at her, setting her heart fluttering.

"Oh, the usual. Nothing exciting. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something. "

"Oh, really. Well, I need to speak to you about something too." Ajay looked serious.

Anjali did a mental jig-what was the bet Ajay was going to tell her he felt the same about her. They had been flirting and circling around each other since weeks but he was such a shy person that it hadn't progressed beyond stolen glances and smiles. But today it seemed was THE day!

Anjali laughed, "You go first!" This was a game they often played and so far Ajay always made Anjali speak first, so she was confident he would today too.

"Actually, I think today I will go first." Ajay looked at her, steeled himself and said "I am getting married. My parents have chosen the girl and I will meet her soon but it's all arranged. I just wanted to let you know myself. "

Anjali felt the smile freeze on her face. The trees stilled and the birds quietened. It seemed as though everything had slowed. She swallowed and managed to speak "Wow! That's great news, Ajay. And unexpected. I didn't know this was in the pipeline. "

"Well, my parents have been asking me to settle down and they seem to have found this girl they really like, so...Anyway, now your turn what were you going to say?"

I was going to tell you I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. The words echoed in Anjali's head and died before they reached her lips. If she spoke, knowing him he would take on his parents and refuse to get married and if that happened she would be to blame. If she kept silent, she would never know for sure if he actually loved her back and whether they could have a life together. It was her choice to make, one that would affect several lives.

"Oh, nothing really. I have forgotten also in front of your major news! Congratulations!" Anjali gave him a quick hug and silently said goodbye to her dreams featuring him. Some things, she figured, were just not meant to be...

Behind Closed Doors

The menace of domestic violence is one that plagues us far more than we realize. There are countless tales that are forever locked behind closed doors, never to see the light of the day. The reasons may be varied-shame, lack of choice, fear...but the result remains the same. And the ones among us who are fortunate enough never to experience this, are often guilty of turning a blind eye to those who are going through it. We conveniently put it under the slot of not wanting to interfere in someone else's life but the truth is that we are scared. Scared that somehow crossing over to the dark side to help someone might result in the plague finding its way into our homes.

I grew up with a parent who was a schizophrenic and his favorite pastime was using his fists on my mom. I grew up thinking this is how all families were supposed to be- happy on the outside and traumatized on the inside. If it wasn't for my mom, I probably would still believe this.

As a child of three or four or five or six or any age for that matter, there is nothing worse than standing by helplessly, hearing your mother scream for mercy. My parent was the picture of normalcy outside the four walls of the house, so much so that mom and I used to call him "PG-Perfect Gentleman." He was attentive, affectionate and articulate-only we saw the monster within behind closed doors. Our neighbours, friends, colleagues all interacted with us as though we were any normal, happy family; which is probably what we came across as and which is what made it so much tougher for mom to confide in anyone. There was always the fear that no one would believe her. Unfortunately in our society, the onus of proving any form of abuse invariably falls on the woman. After 10 long years of almost daily violence, mom was fortunate enough to escape the situation. But there are so many women who are trapped for financial, emotional, mental reasons. Who wake up daily feeling there is no choice but to be someone's punching bag. Who have learned to smile while weeping inside. Women who say "Of course we are fine" while silently screaming for help. Who have resigned themselves to the fact that there will be no saviour they can look forward to- not their parents, not their friends, definitely not random strangers? And it is this belief that emboldens the abuser, every minute, every day. The belief that no one will have the courage to step up and say "STOP!" And this is where each and every one of us is guilty. The signs are there for us to read, we CHOOSE to turn a blind eye.  Today as a wife and mother of two, I realize that there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect my children and to shield them from the harsher realities of life. The same as I am sure each and every one of your moms' feel. So isn't it somewhere our duty to ensure that 20 years down the line none of our children ever have to face a hand being raised towards them? Isn't it our duty to teach our sons that violence in any form is not acceptable and teach our daughters that putting up with violence is equally unacceptable? Isn't it our moral responsibility to reach out the next time we suspect a woman going through domestic violence? She might tell us to mind our own business but at least she will go through her days knowing that there is one person out there who is ready to help. It takes very little to let another human being know that they matter. Let's find the courage to take that one step.

The South Delhi Playdates Group

A year ago today, an enterprising young mother called Ankita Gupta started an initiative which over the months has proved to be a lifesaver for many mums. As mothers we all need some place where we can interact, discuss and sometimes vent, without being judged. The South Delhi Playdates group on WhatsApp is one such platform. Created especially for mums based out of South Delhi with kids aged between 6 months and 5 years, the group today has over 200 members, and counting! The group is also in touch with various play areas and parenting platforms like FirstCry, etc. to provide benefits to its members like discounted playtime and merchandise.

The group organizes the following types of playdates:

Regular Playdate: This is the playdate where typically moms and kids join in. These can be on a weekday or a weekend, with or without nanny, at the discretion of the host.

Family Playdate: Here dads are expected and encouraged to join in. These are usually preferred over weekends or holidays.

Mommy Discussion Meet: A meet for moms only (without kids) to discuss a specific motherhood-related topics. Sometimes a well-known personality from the arena of parenting is invited to provide inputs and insights.

Mommy Social Meet: A meet for moms only (no kids) to spend some leisure time together.

About the Admin & Co-admin:

Ankita Gupta is a Chartered Accountant by training and entrepreneur by profession. She runs a travel business while also playing a leadership role in a mid-sized company PCTI group. She has previously worked with Deloitte helping expats/companies with international taxation. She is also an amazing baker and tries out various healthy baking recipes for kids and adults!

She is the mother of twin boys who were premature by 7 weeks. After spending the initial few months in a very restricted environment, she was looking for safe and secure places to take her babies out. She also went through bouts of severe post-partum depression and loneliness since she wasn’t able to socialize or go out anywhere. It was to help other mothers facing such and similar challenges that she started the South Delhi Playdates group when her babies were 9 months old.

With Ankita in this wonderful endeavour is Himani Dalmia, co-admin.  Himani has two daughters- 4 years and 23 months. She has worked for 10 years in a family business, a premium foods company, in a marketing and general management role. At present she is on a career break. She has founded a Facebook group called Gentle Baby Sleep India, which has almost 30k members and is hugely active, with the aim of helping out sleep deprived parents!

If you are looking for a place where you can meet like-minded people in your vicinity and encourage your babies to interact with other kids in safe and secure environments, then this is the group for you! Those interested in joining this group can contact Ankita on ankita.goel.ca@gmail.com

Daughter of a Single Mother

Anjali stared into space, immune to the frenzied conversations taking place around her. She had heard of the phrase “the world coming to an end” but had never known this is what it felt like. Today was supposed to be the happiest day of her life- her engagement to the guy she loved. And yet, it had somehow turned into one of the darkest moments of her life.

She knew what she was expected to do. She also knew what she was supposed to do. But would she be able to do it? Wasn’t there some way a solution could be found? Maybe if she spoke to Gaurav, they would find a way. After all, he loved her as much as she loved him. Didn’t he? He wouldn’t have lied to you if he loved you; a poisonous voice seemed to whisper in her ear. Anjali jumped up and ran out of the room. She needed air. She needed to get away from all these well meaning people who were looking at her so pityingly.

Getting into the car, she decided to go meet Gaurav. After all, he was her fiancé (almost) and he would want this mess sorted out as much as she did. Her mom would be horrified if she knew where Anjali was going but this was something she just needed to do. She wiped away the continuous stream of tears as she drove the short distance to Gaurav’s house. She let herself in through the unlatched gate and walked into the house. She could hear voices from the drawing room. Going closer, something made her stop from announcing her presence.

“What is all this Gaurav, you had promised us she would come on board. We have relatives coming from out of town for the engagement and that girl is creating such a fuss. What is the big deal about shifting to Canada?” Anjali heard Gaurav’s mother speaking.

“Mom, relax. She will come around. She’s just upset since at the start of this relationship she had asked me about my plans and I had assured her I had no desire to migrate from India. She doesn’t want to leave her mom. It’s just the two of them after all. It's sheer bad luck that she overheard my conversation with the embassy about my interview. Else she would never have known anything till we were married. She had no reason to suspect my passport was with the embassy for consideration." Gaurav sounded unconcerned about the crises at hand.

“How can I relax? What if she calls off the engagement? What will we do?”

“She won’t call it off. Don’t forget she’s the daughter of a single mother. That’s their biggest weakness. They can’t afford the financial loss of calling off the engagement, or the loss of face."

Anjali stood rooted to the spot for a long time. Then she quietly turned and walked away.

Going home she found that the gaggle of visitors had left. Her mom sat at the dining table, looking unbearably sad. She recalled that her mom had never taken to Gaurav and had, in fact, tried to warn her daughter about his intentions. But Anjali had been blinded by love and a desperate need to get married. In hindsight, she now realised the small white lies and evasions that Gaurav had done every time the topic of shifting to Canada had come up. What was done was done. The point was what needed to be done now.

“What do you mean the engagement is off? Mrs. Sharma, surely you don’t mean that. Do you realise the consequences of this?” Anjali heard Gaurav’s mother shouting through the phone.

“Yes, I don’t think anyone realises the consequences better than Anjali or me. But you see, Mrs. Khurana, she has asked me to give Gaurav and you a message.  She says and I quote ‘What you considered to be our biggest weakness is actually our greatest strength. So thank you for your plans to whisk her away overseas, but no thank you.”

Anjali walked over to hug her mom. Being the daughter of a single mother had taught her the value of independence and self-respect. It wasn’t a weakness

From Counselor to Wife

Aashi was tired. It had been yet another late night and even after so many months, her system had still not adjusted to just a few hours of sleep. Added to that, working weekends was really not her idea of fun. Not that there was any choice but to grin and bear it. Ordinarily she loved her work but today was weighing heavily on her. Things were not right with Gurman and their nth argument last night had left yet another tear in what was already a fragile relationship. She gazed morosely at the engagement ring on her finger. Who would have thought that what she wished for would cause her such grief when it happened?

“Next student Meenu.”

Aashi jolted out of her reverie at the voice. She looked across at the counselor beside her who looked ready to cry.

“Komal, I have just finished a whole family’s counseling ya. Isn’t there anyone else?”  

“I’ll take it Meenu. Komal give the form to me.” Aashi held out her hand and nodded to acknowledge Meenu’s grateful smile. She might as well keep busy; at least her mind wouldn’t wander to unpleasant things as it had a tendency to do off late. She looked down at the form to process the student’s information.

Samar Sharma. 1975 born. Looking for an LLM.

Aashi groaned mentally. These 30+ students were tough to handle. They came with all their research done and asked pointed questions. She sighed. Ah well, there was no avoiding this one. She looked up to see a distinguished guy walk into the office. He was smartly dressed in a coat and trousers and looked like he was ready to fight a case in court. Slight sprinkling of salt lined his wavy hair and spectacles added to his self possessed air. Aashi felt her heart sink. This one looked like he knew everything. She hated those types. They made her feel like she was under a microscope by testing her knowledge. And today of all days to be saddled with such a student. God really knew how to pick his moments. She pasted a smile on her face

“Hi, please have a seat. “ She waited until he sat down. “So how can I help you Samar?”

“I am looking for an LLM. I believe that you have representatives from some good UK Universities here. I would like to meet them. Here are my documents.” His voice was deep and husky; a pleasure to hear was Aashi’s startled thought.

Four sets of neatly bound documents were placed in front of her. To cover up her discomfiture she picked up one and looked through it-Class 10, Class 12, graduation, LLB, work experience; it was all there. Seldom in her experience as an education counselor had she come across such an organised student.

“This is great. Shall we first shortlist the colleges and then you could meet with the ones which are here today.” Aashi took a sheet of paper and started jotting down names of universities on it. Much to her annoyance Samar leaned over to see what she was writing. She sighed again. Maybe he had OCD?  She briskly slid the paper across to him. “

“These are the ones I think you should target. You have good grades and work experience, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be made an offer. The only thing working against you is that you’re applying late. You missed out on two of the good ones because their deadline is past but I think Queen Mary should definitely be able to make an offer, especially since they are here today.”  

“What about Australia?” Aashi gave him a look of horror. “Why would you want to do Law from Australia? It’s not recognised back in India and you wouldn’t be able to practice as a lawyer since their legal system is different. UK is a much better option. Now shall I set up an appointment with Queen Mary & Birmingham?” At his affirmative nod, she slid out of her seat with his forms and went across to the reception. “Komal, please register this student for these universities.”

She walked back to her desk where Samar was. She couldn’t help noticing how straight he sat, like a soldier.  “Samar, if you could please take a seat at the reception, Komal will guide you to the universities when it’s your turn.”

“Sure. Thanks a lot for the information. Should I come back here once I meet with them?” Samar stood inadvertently bringing him close to her. She took an involuntary step back. Damn, she hated feeling intimidated. Not that the poor guy had said or done anything but he felt made her feel…strange.

“Yes, you can let me know what they say. All the best.” She heaved a sigh of relief as he left. These mature students were the bane of her life. This one was particularly bad. He made her feel like a kid who didn’t know anything. Oh well, it was just a matter of a few months and then he would leave for the UK, if he got good enough offers. Dismissing him from her mind, she went back to work.

Ahmedabad-A Miniature Delhi!

My work has taken me to different cities over the course of the past year-Jaipur, Lucknow, Chandigarh and Hyderabad. In each of these places I came across a distinct culture that made the city what it was and in each of these places I longed to get back to Delhi within a day.

My latest tour was to the state of Gujarat; more specifically the city of Ahmedabad. Ahmedabad was a pleasant surprise. From the moment I stepped off the plane I was engulfed in a feeling of bonhomie and goodwill. Travelling to my hotel in the taxi, with the driver pointing out the various landmarks, I felt as though I were in a small scale version of Delhi. From the shops to the hoardings, everything had a sense of familiarity, albeit with Gujju subtitles!!

Over the years one has heard of the way in which Gujarat has risen to become a prosperous state. The wide roads, cleanliness of the city and friendly nature of the residents are a testament to this fact. While the Gujaratis are known to be extremely moneyed their tastes are far subtler and toned down than the average Delhite. So you will still get to see a Mercedes and a Range Rover but minus the blue disco lights and blaring music!

After work I went exploring and landed up at the Law Garden market which is a daily occurance in the evenings. Here you get a mind boggling range of traditional Gujarati clothes-in all sizes. I found myself totally at ease with bargaining (something I hesitate to do even in Delhi) and picked up some really cute stuff. Roaming around, I soaked up the sights and sounds that are peculiar to every city in India. During a school visit the principal told me that Ahmedabad is an extremely safe city for women. Walking around after sunset I sensed the truth in her words. Living in Delhi I have gotten used to being checked out by the paanwala to the driver to just about everyone. If you’re a woman, irrespective of how you are dressed, you are fair game to be ogled at. Ahmedabad proved to be a refreshing change. I could feel myself relaxing as I relaised that no one was really bothered about where I was going or what I was wearing. It felt good to lay down my guard briefly.

One of my fondest memories will be of the auto driver who dropped me to the airport the next day. While driving he kept getting a call on his mobile. When he finally answered, it was to exasperatedly explain that he was with a customer and would be late. Catching my eye he sheepishly explained that he was newly married and usually reached home by 4pm daily. Since he was late his wife was calling to find out when he would reach. He also said that she would call at least thrice more by the time we reached our destination. The third time the call came he asked me if I could speak to her and assure her that he was indeed dropping me to the airport. I was most amused and touched to be given a glimpse into his simple life. I spoke to his wife and reassured her that her husband was not up to mischief and was indeed working. She calmed down and said “main unko bahut miss karti hoon jab who time se ghar nahi aate!!” 

Whenever I look back on my tip, it shall be with fondness at the ease which Ahmedabad put me at. The city boasts of an exciting duality of being cosmopolitan while retaining its traditional flavour. For the first time I didn’t find myself longing to get back to Delhi; Ahmedabad was indeed a wonderful surprise.

The Choice

“Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you
Or are you goin' back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above”

                                                                  -Glenn Frey (The One You Love)

This song brings back memories of late nights, snuggled under blankets with my earphones plugged in during my adolescent years. Even back then the dilemma in the song captured my imagination. How does one decide who will make a better partner- someone you love or someone who loves you?

Everywhere I looked, whether in my own life or in my friends’ lives, the need to be loved seemed to outweigh the need to love. At the same time it seemed impossible to be with a person who loved you without loving him back. But what if such a situation arose?

My mother always says that no relationship can ever be completely equal. The balance of power or need will always be heavier on one side even if by a small margin.  In such a scenario would I rather be with someone I am crazy about even if I need him more than he needs me? Or would I rather choose someone who loves me much more than I love him? The questions never seemed to get easier as I grew up.

Robert Frost has rightly said “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”  Our need for love stems from the deep seated desire to have someone who cares for us beyond boundaries. Unfortunately I have found that such people are few and far in-between! Usually the people we fall in love with are the ones, where we end up being the needy party.

Age has a way of putting a lot of things into perspective. What love meant at 15 is far different from what it means at 30! Violins and bells; moonlight and magic; passion and flowers; these things become secondary. What one ends up longing for is the simplicity of an emotion that can be accepted and returned.

And if the choice happens to be between someone I love and someone who loves me-then with all the wisdom that age has bestowed upon me, I would choose the person who loves me. For you can learn to love someone, but you can never teach someone to love you…