Battling Depression

Cambridge dictionary defines depression as "the state of feeling very unhappy and without hope for the future."

One of the first things I noticed about the concept of depression was how taboo it was. People spoke about it in hushed tones and tiptoed around the topic, as though they were scared they might get afflicted by mere association.

Growing up, I came across depression in various forms. A news article about some celebrity battling it, a rumour about a student struggling with it, some gossip about an aunty in the colony falling prey to it. Every time the news was delivered with shocking overtones; designed to impart the message that being depressed was abnormal or unnatural.

But you know what? It's not. It might come as a surprise to know that depression is almost as common as.. well, the common cold. Almost every one of us has been prone to some form of depression, at some point in our lives; some of us recognize it, some ignore it.

I get depressed these days. It's not the kinds where I cannot function but there are several days when I wake up with a cloud hanging over my head. I often feel as though I am being sucked into a quicksand of memories, centred around how Aarav was vs. how Aarav is. The worst part of the situation is that it's open-ended. We don't know how many days, weeks or months it will take to have him back to what he's supposed to be- an active toddler, running all over the place.

There are a lot of people who tell me to stay strong. To focus on the positives. To believe that everything will be fine. They are truly my well-wishers, I have no doubts, but they can't experience a fraction of what I am going through. This is our battle- Sameer's, mom's, Ayana's and mine. A member of our unit has been wounded and each day is a battle towards restoring him to normalcy. Some days we win, some days we lose.

I recently decided to talk to a counsellor. I felt that maybe speaking to someone neutral might help. I was told that what we are feeling is akin to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Where the slightest thing can throw us back to those absolute dark days of the ICU. And it happens daily. No matter how much I guard against it, there are inevitably things that draw me back. A stray picture on my phone, a bhajan I used to play in the hospital, a message from one of the nurses, the smell of antiseptic, the list is neverending. And each time it's a struggle to pull myself out of the gaping hole which seems to be ever ready to swallow me whole.

Am I ashamed of how I feel? No. What happened with Aarav in the past few months was not something ordinary. It was an extraordinary event which shook us out of our routines and turned our world upside down. Nothing could ever have prepared us for it. Feeling low or going through phases of depression seems perfectly normal to me after all that we have experienced.

The important thing though is to recognize that what we are feeling is natural and not let it control us. Unfortunately, this is something that often gets swept away, like that last little bit of dust you promise yourself you'll tackle tomorrow. Because, at the end of the day, it's an uncomfortable admission to make. No one wants to be labelled and this brings me to the point that why the label? We don't look at people prone to common colds in a certain way so then why are censoring looks reserved for people who are going through a hard time? Isn't it enough that they are already battling demons which seem larger than life to them? It seems to me that we need to move away from this mindset and become more accepting of struggles which might seem trivial to us but aren't to the other person.

I have a lot to be thankful for, for I am aware. The greatest gift is the second lease of life Aarav has been given. Yet I know there will continue to be days when everything seems bleak and hopeless. Just as I know I will push myself to get over it and face another day. And when the days are dark and the tunnel seems endless, I shall reach out for help to people who can convince me that this too shall pass.